It do be two months now since the raiding party did return from Indianapolis to find our fair ship mired in the Sargassos. Knew I did, that we ne'er shoulda sailed so far up the New England Coast. Nary did I believe in the Jersey Devil until the flyin' fiend did come and steal our Captain away! Nothin's been the same since.
The last of the food is gone. Even me private reserve of chum do not be safe from the depravations o' the ravenous crew. Even rats are becoming scarce. Lucky to spear one fer myself tonight, I was. It really is true that anything will taste better with enough garnish. I give thanks to King Neptune fer that shipment of horseradish we did intercept.
Scurvy and starvation run rampant, and on a ship where 'alf the crew are cannibals, that be not a good thing. But an even more fearsome disease doth cast its silent pall upon our decks: madness. Why only last night I did hear fire2furniture
mutterin' somethin' about "seeing pixies."
Becalmed we are, a ship o' the damned. Ah well, had a good run we did. For a brief, shinnin' time the Salty Hooker did be the greatest scourge o' the seven seas. At least if I die, I'll die knowin' that it was the sea we loved what claimed me and that no scurvy English dog did manage to claim the price upon my...
*Frowns in thought, crumples up parchment, stands up and draws cutlass, stamping boot to snap the morose crew from their lackadaisical stupor*AVAST!
Alright ye scurvy teabaggers, listen up! Bloody Wake Jack Quincannon says that this is the way it's goin' ta be! Are we a bunch o' fat Italian merchants to lie on our backs starin' at the sun and waitin' to die? Or de we be the crew o' the Salty Hooker!? The deadliest scourge 'o the waters since Blackbeard himself!? digitalbombdog
and I return from the raid on Gencon with enough loot to purchase a small kingdom with, (which reminds me, I really oughta check in on that small kingdom I bought some time. Maybe, I dunno, govern it or something,) only to find ye all mopin' about like a Spaniard who'se come home on shore leave only to find his best amigo plungin' the barnacles out o' his senora's aft-hatch! Well I'll know be hearin' it!
I know that every last man-jack o' ye do love the captain, and I as well. But she be gone! And I do nary think she be comin' back! So in the absence of any opposition, I do declare myself
captain o' this ship! And I swear unto thee I'll make us rich beyond our dreams, feared beyond death, and lusted for beyond the point at which our genitals do bleed! So until Captain Kitty returns or until one o' ye comes forth with the stones, the skill, and the steel to unseat me, I hereby order ye all to make as merry, as bloodthirsty, and as lascivious as e'er we was before, becalmed sargassos or no! So sez Captain Bloody Wake Jack Quincannon! And anyone who doesn' like it can take 'er chances with the sharks and Il Heffe (IL HEFFE!)D'YA-HAAAAAARRRRR!!!